The Rise & Fall Of The Ego
"I'm not good enough..." — this is my belief. It was, and sometimes it still is. To be more accurate: I don't FEEL good enough. I tell myself I am. Cognitively, I know it to be true. But often, still, my feelings don't align. It's my dark passenger, sabotaging me from the shadows. It's me who fucks with me. It's me who stands between me and my deepest desires. It's me abstaining from living my deepest purpose. And you most probably also suffer from something similar - it's part of the human condition.
When I was young, I was the short kid in class, but relatively smart. Being a "weak" nerd, I became an easy target for the class bullies. Sometimes other kids would join in and gang up on me, tossing me around in laughter like a rag doll. To survive, I surrendered my body to the situation, laughed along and feigned having Teflon skin to not feel how painful that actually was. On top of that, I put on my you-can't-hurt-me-mask to complete the image. From there on, this was my learned modus operandi when under attack. My ego-defence was ‘denial’ by dissociating from the situation.
Still, the major contribution to my ego of course comes from my interactions with my parents. They created a very stable & predictable environment to grow up in and fully dedicated their lives to the family. They expressed their love through many acts of service. But when I look back at words of affirmation, I remember something else than affirmation.
My father used to emphasize what I could do better, instead of affirming & celebrating what I did right. Or at least, that's how I remember it. He used to call that “constructive criticism”. But I just felt the “criticism” part. The only thing that stuck, was that I couldn't do anything right. His belief that positive affirmations would go to my head ironically fostered the behaviour he wanted to prevent. But all I wanted, was to know he was proud of me. To cope with my feelings of low self-esteem and incompetence, my ego-defence was to inflate myself.
This might not seem like a big deal, but these defence mechanisms heavily attributed to my divorce 25 years later. Unable to be in touch with my ‘negative’ emotions made me incapable to navigate conflict in a healthy way and be vulnerable about my real experience with my wife, which in turn frustrated here tremendously, escalating the entire conflict, sometimes beyond repair.
Looking back, I see many lessons. Like the fact that giving a child positive affirmations is imperative for healthy development. He needs to know he’s OK, loved, worthy, safe, supported, validated, and nurtured to be able to grow healthily. If not, he’ll need to adapt himself and become someone he’s not, because a child instinctively will do anything to get his parents' approval and acceptance for survival.
These 2 examples are some of the things that turned me into not feeling good enough, smart enough, strong enough, successful enough, attractive enough and whatnot. We believe what is reflected back to us because we have such a limited sense of ourselves, especially when we're young. We can't see ourselves. So think twice when you're that mirror.
My negative beliefs caused me pain, so I sought ways to cope with them and get rid of that pain. What then happened, is that I numbed those feelings by developing various ego defences, like work addiction, self-inflation, self-sabotage, smoking, attention seeking, drug abuse or even emotional eating to distract from the discomfort.
The irony is that these behaviours to alleviate pain, just result in more pain. The pain & shame that is being numbed, is covered up with more shameful behaviours, creating more and more shame. This is called the "cycle of shame" which fuels self-destructive behaviour. And I haven't even mentioned the physical damage and psycho-somatic impacts.
But... there was one way out, and that's through. I had to let go of my ego defences. Then I came eye to eye with the original, repressed emotions. They've been hiding in the shadows as long as I've existed and have secretly been directing me all this time. Because they want to be acknowledged instead of repressed. They need to be experienced and brought into the light. And I was the only one that had the power to fully do so. If I didn’t, I would never become a whole, fully integrated man and live my full potential. My repressed pain would direct my life, and I’d call it fate.
This might be the scariest thing you’ll do in this life. Because you'll have to come clean about what you're ashamed of or have been shamed for. You'll have to face the fear of being ridiculed, denigrated, judged as weak, not a “real man”, or rejected and abandoned. But this work is what it means to "come home". To finally be able to breathe, feel free, authentic, real AF. This is the path of coming into full alignment with your true self. And by walking down that path, your deepest desires and purpose will emerge. This is the way.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik
Mentor of Men
Did this resonate? And are you also DONE with:
not feeling aligned with your true self?
living up to other people’s expectations?
mucking around & not living your purpose?
playing it small & squandering your full potential?
feeling stuck in love & your relationship?
It’s totally free, no strings attached, no pushy sales tactics, simply you & me honing into your deepest ambitions, desires and how to get there. It only costs you some time, but will gain you clarity and direction.
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