Secretly Removing A Condom During Sex
Some years ago, I was part of a discussion about a violation within a tantra community. A man had secretly removed his condom during sex. I was dumbfounded about how the victim, a woman, was challenged in her experience, even blamed, until other women started speaking up as well.
Firstly, there’s a term for this, namely "stealthing". This is the practice of a person removing a condom during sexual intercourse without consent, when their sex partner has only consented to condom-protected sex. Victims are exposed to potential sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as HIV/AIDS, or unwanted pregnancies. Such behaviour may be therefore regarded as sexual assault or rape, and sometimes as a form of reproductive coercion. As of 2020, stealthing is punishable as a form of sexual violence in some countries, such as Germany and the United Kingdom [source: Wikipedia].
Now, a similar ‘offence’ is being prosecuted as rape in Holland for the first time in history. But when reading the comments next to the news articles, I'm again dumbfounded. Many ridicule the woman, making comparative fallacies about women secretly not taking the pill to get pregnant, or claiming the victim should’ve kept her legs closed if she didn’t want this to happen, and also, that it's not rape because she chose to have sex with the man.
But tell me this: what's so f#cking hard to understand about this? If the other person wants you to wear a condom, wear a condom 🤦🏻♂️! It's their right to want to minimize their risk of having a baby, HIV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis, Herpes, HIV/AIDS or any other STD. Not yours.
But if you single-handedly still decide to endanger someone else, that's a gross violation of their bodily autonomy and physical health, which wasn't yours to make in the first place.
And still, too many men whine about having to wear condoms. Just ask women in the dating scene. But guys, the problem is almost always between your ears and not between your legs. The fear of not feeling anything, not performing, not getting it up, being a limp dick, afraid of feeling emasculated when failing to pleasure a woman. You're probably just too numb, insensitive, insecure, performance-driven, greedy, needy, or any combination of these factors.
It's time men stop pressuring women in endangering themselves for the sake of their egotistic pleasure and performance anxiety. And this lawsuit might be the start of it.
So next time a woman asks you to wear a condom, don't bitch about it & simply respect her wish. And if that's so unbearable for you, don't moan, go home and wack off. Probably to some porn, 'cause there's a good chance that's 1 of the causes of your problems 😉
And lastly, if you cannot feel anything with protection, work on increasing your sensitivity. Learn to listen again to yourself. Learn to slow down and feel the tiniest feelings. Explore non-penetrative sex to broaden the spectrum of your experience. And learn to understand why you fuck the way you (want to) fuck. Where did that come from? Start talking to other men about it. Or just book a mentoring session with me.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik
Mentor of Men