The Noble Art Of Shutting The F#ck Up
In the Italian movie La Grande Bellezza a group of talkative, eccentric Italian intellectuals are having vivid discussions. Amongst them, there is a poet. The thing is, he never ever speaks. When asked why, Toni Servillo says: "He's the smartest of us all because he only listens."
This scene always stuck with me for the following reason: it inspired me to shut the f#ck up more... I've talked so much all my life. I sometimes still do. I have bullshitted, bluffed and charmed my way into so many desirable situations. It got me places, it got me jobs, it got me laid, it got me friends, it got me money. Looking at those topics, it appeared to me how my words were tightly coupled to my ego.
I've grown to admire people who can hold their silence while others talk (and even remain to do so after silence ensues). I guess I admire them because I suck at it. These people seem to own some superpower when it comes to 'holding space'; they actually really make it about the other instead of themselves. They HOLD space instead of occupying it.
As a coach & mentor, I had to learn to control the flow of my own words. The more I talk, the less space remains for my client. And especially during client sessions, I have to be aware of my own actions and internal mechanisms. It is in those moments that I came to realise who's struggling so much to shut up: it is my good old friend Mr Ego. To be frank (even though my name is Erik), Mr Ego is also (part of) me. But he's not my authentic self. He's been trying to compensate for my insecurities with a façade of lots of words.
So I came up with this super simple exercise: when talking to someone, I ask myself the following question:
"Why am I about to say, what I'm about to say?"
And then I can optionally dig a little deeper:
Do I want to be right and prove someone else wrong?
Do I feel hurt, attacked and do I want to lash out?
Do I yearn to get acknowledged?
Do I want to feel seen?
Do I want to prove something to the other?
Do I want to overpower or dominate the other?
Who's talking? Is it Mr Ego? Is it the authentic me?
What is the REAL emotion underlying the words I'm about to say?
Here's an example: my ego often kicks in when someone shares their story and I want to level with a person. I'd say: "I've experienced an EXACTLY similar thing! This one time when I was in band camp.... blah blah blah....."
Under the skin, part of me wants to feel connected and I see an opportunity to do so by levelling to their experience by sharing my own. At the same time, it will make me feel seen and acknowledged in my own version of their experience.
Still, it would be better if I would just shut the f#ck up. Because what I am actually doing, is hijacking their story. I'm not holding space, but robbing them of theirs. I do it because I want to 'level' with them, but in fact, I am not. I'm projecting my own stories onto them. I do this to take away my own feeling of discomfort by uplifting myself to their experience & relating to the other person.
This was just a single example, but you can challenge yourself to reflect on your words in every single situation. I don't do it all the time, that would be tiresome, but this can be a very valuable practice to do intermittently.
I hope this little write-up serves you well. Please let me know what you think or how it could even be improved and share your ideas and views in the comments.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik