When She's "Hysterical" Again
When my ex turned angry, I immediately went into problem-solving mode:
Fuck, she's angry... That ain't good!
I stress out, stop listening and tell her to chill out.
OK, WTF?? What's happened?! Did I do anything wrong?
I start thinking: how can I fix this?
I propose solutions & give unsolicited advice.
She just gets angrier.
Why ain't this working?
I give up: "It's not me. She's just fucking crazy. Hysterical."
We're both angry. We disconnect disillusioned.
We now both feel lonely, unseen, unheard, and unappreciated.
We maybe even start to despise one another.
Our relationship starts to feel more hopeless, falling apart one conflict at a time.
Here's my challenge: I'm a mediator/peacekeeper (type 9 enneagram), which means I desire peace and am gifted with getting people to get along. I fucking HATE conflict. So do my parents. So learning to deal with conflict has been one of the biggest challenges in my life.
Now, I hope that the script I just described, doesn't ring true to you. But regrettably, it does to many couples. That's because there is a pattern that we collectively play out. It's not the man. It's the woman! She's the one making problems and drama. She's "hysterical". Not me.
Well, guess again: we, men, have our part in this.
First, many men have not truly learned how to deal with emotions. So many of us have disconnected from large parts of ourselves, making us also less capable of dealing with the emotions of our partners. We've been taught to achieve, do and fix, not whither in emotions. This frustrates the shit out of many women because many men lack the skills to authentically connect.
Secondly, we've inherited traditional, conservative socialization norms. For centuries, men have oppressed women that were too expressive, when we didn't have the capacity to deal with them. The term "hysteria" has even been used and abused to lock up women in asylums in the past, who were too "free and wild". For instance, not wanting to marry, could even get a woman labelled as hysterical and locked up. We use the word to this day, still.
So, this one's for the men. Because most men want to neutralize and solve conflict ASAP.
Here's my tip to you: DON'T! *
* (unless it's explicitly needed or requested 😉)
Give her some room. Let her show herself. Invite her fire. Let her and her fire know that you're ready for them. That you've got this, not afraid of it. And that you're open to exploring it with her.
So, take a deep breath, and do this:
Ask her what she needs
Shut the f#ck up
Listen deeply!
And if you'd like to react, again: DON'T!
Instead:
... stop
... pause
... breathe
... feel your body
... become aware of your feelings
... and if there's truth, then RESPOND, don't REACT.
That's the difference
... Between despair and control
... Between following and leading
... Between destruction and creation
... Between folly and wisdom
... Between impulsive and thoughtful
But above all
... Between a hurt boy and an adult man.
The hurt boy
... cares about winning
... wants to be right
... runs from discomfort
... blames her
... lashes out
... doesn't want to feel his sadness
The adult man
... gives her space to express herself
... wants to be authentic
... is comfortable with discomfort
... takes ownership of his mistakes
... tries to feel & understand her
... allows himself to feel sadness
The adult man takes full ownership of his words, actions and feelings. You're not only present with her. You're present with what's going on for yourself just as much.
That doesn't mean you're a doormat. You (should) have boundaries and use those to lead the conflict towards a healthy resolution. Taking full ownership means you're making the effort to be stable, rooted & grounded, and willing to have your ego take some hits. And when it does, you share your feelings and admit your faults, instead of lashing out in defence.
It's the skill of listening to your partner AND yourself. To stop "fixing & doing" and start listening. To her. But also to yourself.
Lastly, there's a magic word shifting almost all conflicts into the direction of understanding: "i"
Remember and practice these words:
I hear that...
I feel that...
I'm curious about...
I see now that...
Avoid using the word "you". During a conflict, that word is a loaded one. It triggers our defences. It opens the door to blame, complaints, and attacks. It's even hard to refrain from attacking someone, so challenge yourself by setting the stage properly by choosing your words wisely.
By using "i" you're less like to blame her, but rather take responsibility for your own role and experience. You are actually making the first step towards extreme ownership, a virtue of the masculine archetypes.
And if you own the story, you get to write the ending.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik
Mentor of Men