Why You Can’t Have Pleasure Without Pain
My life changed tremendously when I entered therapy over 10 years ago. From all the life adaptations I implemented, 1 thing truly stood out, which became the core of my work with my clients: stop running away from pain. Let it in, and sit with it.
Engaging with pain, instinctively, doesn't make sense? Right? But you should. Here’s why: sensitivity to feelings is like a volume dial. You can turn it down to numb your pain, or you can crank it up so you can truly listen clearly to what is to be heard.
What do most men do? We turn the dial way down. We’ve been taught to stay away from our emotions. We judge it. In ourselves. And in others. Patriarchal beliefs tell us it's weak, feminine and makes you less masculine. Hell, we even barely talk about them amongst other men.
So, what do we do when psychological pain hits us? We try to rid of the discomfort ASAP by numbing it. We drink, do drugs, throw ourselves into work (outs), binge on porn, jerk off. When the pressure cooker hits max capacity, many burst out into violence or abusive behaviours.
But here’s the kicker: there’s only one dial. There’s not one for the happy stuff and another for the bad stuff. As soon as I allowed my pain to be felt, I felt my entire enjoyment of life explode into new realms.
Art hit me harder.
Lovemaking felt way more intense.
My creative juices became rapids.
My sons calmed down and started feeling more understood and seen.
Conflicts with my partner moved from wretched disconnection into a heartfelt deepening connection.
Basically, I became more grounded and at peace, because I felt more in touch with myself than ever before. Finally, I started honouring my entirety.
Remember this: do you avoid pain? Then you also turn down your ability to feel joy, pleasure, and connection. You can’t have one without the other.
And it’s not my own anecdotal experience (n=1). Studies show that pain and pleasure are deeply connected. They activate the same areas of the brain, specifically the anterior insula and anterior cingulate cortex.
That’s why pain and pleasure can feel so intertwined. Just think about the enjoyment after a hefty workout. Or how actually enjoy pain during sex.
So, want to feel more pleasure? Then allow yourself to be sensitive to pain, too. Let it in. And find your supportive tribe. Find the men who will honour that in you, who want to witness it, and invite you to go there. And maybe even kick your tight, rigid ass to make it happen.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik
Mentor of Men
P.S.
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