It's OK To Be angry
I've always hated conflict. And even more so, anger. I wasn't able to deal with my wife's anger, let alone my own. But I learned it the hard way; I needed to be able to access and deal with it, because my lack in doing so, resulted in even more conflict, which resulted in divorce. I learned this lesson over 10 years ago, but I was reminded again of the positive side of anger some time ago when working with a couple.
There they came in. She was angry, even furious, but actually sad - he had failed to arrange something special for her birthday. She felt unseen & unappreciated. When asking him how that made him feel, he said he felt sad for her. But then more came up, in which it became clear he also felt unseen for all the efforts he made in their relationship.
This specific incident exposed a deeper issue. The problem wasn't her capability in expressing herself. It was his lack to do so. She was fully engaged, but he was trying to control himself and the situation.
I could sense his frustration, but he kept a straight face. He wasn't embodying the emotions he was describing: hanging back, disengaged, neutral face, like a stoic. So I started challenging & poking a bit, as to wake up his anger.
And it did.
There you are... He engaged. Now I could feel him, his presence. Finally. It literally felt like he showed up. We were ready to get intimate.
But he didn't like it, because now he was angry. And, according to him, that was not a good thing.
The irony was this: he had learned from the best, his father: "Anger is bad! Period! Men don't even hit a woman with the petals of a flower."
So I said: "I don't agree. I don't feel anger is bad. Violence is. Anger is just an emotion."
He looked puzzled: "Are you telling me that I have been wrong about this my entire life?!?"
Me: "Are you willing to consider that?"
See, this is one of the biggest problems I see with clients: they INVALIDATE their own emotions. They actually reject parts of their experience.
And it's especially men that excel at this. From the age of 4-5, we've been told to disconnect from our emotions and be good, little, adapted boys. That we shouldn't be angry, crying, wild, and whatnot. And it's especially anger that's being invalidated, turning boys not into "strong, capable men", but into "pleasing nice guys".
But you NEED to master it because if you don't, your anger will erupt in toxic ways and turn into exactly that which you fear: violence.
That's why one of the key lessons that I teach my clients, is this:
"EMOTIONS ARE FACTS"
You don't need to judge them. They simply happen. And they're trying to tell you something. You'd be stupid not to listen to them. They're your guide, telling you that you need to deal with something.
Still, many run from their emotions, because they don't realize that they're not the same as their reactions to their emotions. Now read that line again.
And that's what it's all about: HOW you DEAL with your emotions.
With anger, for instance, many assume it will spiral into conflict, into violence and into mayhem. But anger just shows antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. It can be a good thing. It might signal that your boundaries have been crossed. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems. It can therefore bring you closer together.
Anger as a gateway to deep intimacy, as it did with this couple. Because when I asked how she felt about him showing his anger, she said: "Finally! I like it, it's welcome. Now I finally feel him. He's showing up."
For me... I wish I'd learned this lesson sooner in my own life. Because I was like this. But I was just afraid. Afraid to get rejected, not be the good guy, afraid of my own fire. But men need to own and embrace it, learn how to wield it. Their masculine power is their life force and too many have lost touch with theirs.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik
Mentor of Men