Rules of Feedback

Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one. And since there are plenty of assholes in the world, it logically follows that there are plenty of opinions.

Now recently, I've written a bit about being real & authentic in challenging your friends in a healthy way. This doesn't mean you should just blurt out anything you feel like without any inhibition. There's way more to it.

So how do you wield the immense power of.... feedback? What is your motive to want to share it - have you ever consciously researched the underlying reasons for desiring to provide feedback?

I never gave this any thought until about 6 years ago when I started my first men's group. There are many things to consider when starting such a group, one part being the rules about providing feedback. Something I had never really given any thought to; I just said what I felt & wanted to say. It felt authentic. But is it actually healthy and beneficial?

In men's groups, the main guideline is to have no unsolicited advice since advice-giving can be disempowering, ego-driven, unwelcome and is attractive as a distraction from fully present group participation. I won't go into the specifics of our rules, but they all stem from this main guideline.

Now imagine this: you blurt out your opinion to someone without any inhibition: "Bam! Here's that thing I've been carrying around, now it's yours. Good luck with it!"
This isn't very consensual, would you say? It might even leave someone in a messed up state, which you caused, but don't want to or have to deal with.

You cannot just dump whatever you want onto someone else. That's an invasive, penetrative way without the other person requesting it. Especially in a setting like a men's group, a participant sometimes receives a lot of feedback and might feel overwhelmed already. But hey, here comes the next guy's in line to add even more on top of that.

That's why we have rules for feedback: we don't give feedback, we offer it. There's just so much a person can handle in a moment. And especially men find it hard to receive negative feedback because we tend to seek validation in our doing. And we need more time than women to actually let the emotional aspects of feedback sink in. We're a bit.... slow 😉.

As a personal practice, I've started to listen more and talk less during our feedback rounds & let others do more of the talking. As a result, my offer for feedback comes later but is also often declined because the sharer already had a lot to process. I dislike that. My ego dislikes that. Because a lot of the time I feel I'm really onto something, making me feel cunning and smart. And part of me wants to showpony what my inner Freud has discovered, just to get dismissed.,

I share this because it's a good example of having impure motives when wanting to provide feedback. It is impure because feedback should always be in the service of the recipient, not the giver. But a lot of the time we're sharing because we want to be seen instead of helping the other. Or want to unload our own burden onto another. Don't do that.

So, next time you're about to give feedback, ask yourself: why is it that I'm willing or wanting to provide feedback? Is it for me because I need to get this off my chest? Is it for them - is it in service of the other? Is it both? And before you speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind? That last part isn't mine. It's unclear who said it, but the best bets are it was either Buddha or Socrates.

And one last bonus part: if you spot something that could benefit the other, but which might be painful to hear, share this in the offering of your feedback before actually providing that feedback. You could for example say the following: "When I hear you say this, I feel that I've got something that might be valuable for you to hear. Still, it might be painful to hear. And it also makes me feel a bit anxious to share this with you."

Offering feedback is another way of holding space for another.
It happens after explicit consent from the other.
It is serving the benefit of the other.

Unsolicited feedback is taking space from another.
It happens without explicit consent from the other.
It is taking to serve your own gratification.

The offering is classy - the giving is not.
Stay classy.

In service of the betterment of men,
Erik, Mentor of Men