The Pleasing vs. Leading Father
A call to all mothers,
the burden is not all yours
it's heavy as it is - we've got the shoulders - now let us have your backs
let's carry this load together - open up - let go a bit - unlock your space, and we, your men, will move into it
all we need is your trust - trust in our offering - in our capability - in how we do it - different as it may be
let us gift our gift
because the masculine is part of every child
12 years ago I got the news: you're going to be a father. I was ecstatically happy and excited. And clueless as fuck. I actually had no idea what it meant to be a father! So I didn't really change a lot. I would wait 9 months, prepare practical things, but mentally & emotionally I didn't change a lot.
Lee, on the other hand, the mother of my sons, became a mother the moment she knew she was pregnant. Once our first son was born, she already outran me by 9 months. On top of that, her pedagogical education made me feel like an amateur when it came to raising and understanding a child. So I happily followed her lead, while I adapted to my new responsibilities way too slowly. I tried to maintain my old life, while I grew more tired and was cutting corners, just to run into the walls of my own limits.
A lot happened, but I strongly feel my failure to step up as a father is what eventually cost us our relationship. We divorced 4 years later. I hope you can learn from my story.
This is the thing. Times have really changed. My mom & dad lived in a time where roles & responsibilities were clearly defined. Dad provided & mom took care of us and made a home. The sheer simplicity!
Nowadays, it's a whole new ballgame: both parents need to get a college degree and/or a successful career, have an active social life, pay insane mortgage rates, keep learning and developing, work out regularly, and be conscious, committed and active as a parent. It's like working several jobs at the same time.
And that's quite a load to carry. This applies especially to women. They are moving up in the world. But still, they carry the majority of the load when it comes to raising our kids because many men are lagging behind. Many men stand by, while our women do most of the work.
I think that's because the modern man is still unsure how to shape his role as a father in these modern times. He's still a bit stuck in the past. Clinging to old paradigms, while women are overtaking men in all areas. And when he doesn't show up and owns his shit as a father, his woman will do it for him. And she won't like him for it. She'll think he's weak. She won't need him anymore because she'll make sure it gets done. And she might as well do it without him. Just look at current divorce rates; they're at an all-time high.
It's time for us men to step up and take ownership of our role as fathers. We've been raised by mothers and female teachers as pleasing nice guys, instead of strong leaders. We're pleasing our women instead of leading as fathers. And we're following the lead of our women instead of taking our own. If we don't take the lead of our own part, our women will do it for us. Their maternal instinct will make sure of it.
Don't let yourself slip and make her do your work. It will kill all respect she has for you. It will kill her interest for you. It will kill her longing for you. It will kill your sex life. And eventually, it will kill your relationship.
This happened to me. Don't let it happen to you.
You don't have to know it all. But go figure out your role as a father. Step up and let her know you're there. Do the work. Share the load. Be strong, willing and able. Start the conversation on how to elevate and complement each other as partners and parents.
I'm curious to hear your stories and opinions on this topic, because I've learned a lot, but still have plenty to learn. We're in uncharted territories and therefore we can learn a lot from each other's experiences.
Iād like to end with some words of the guru Angie Stone. This song really hit home during my divorce:
"Act like a woman think like a man
Please understand
Every woman's got a backup plan"
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik