Microtransgressions In Intimacy
The Slow Blade Penetrates The Shield - Microtransgressions in Intimacy
A woman I've never met reached out to me this week. She claimed a friend of mine had violated her boundaries and was looking for one of his 'brothers'. She felt that there might be a role for the brotherhood between us as men to also deal with this.
When she shared her story with me, I started feeling how things might have escalated. Because I've been there myself. But when hearing it within the context of someone else, it was easier to distinguish the subtleties of the conflict. Because that's how we judge - when someone else does what we also do ourselves, it's much clearer to see & easier to understand.
Also, metaphors work well to embody a feeling that we find hard to grasp. And somehow, in this specific case, it dawned upon me through Frank Herbert's modern, literary classic Dune. There's a good chance you've seen it in the recent remake of Dune by Denis Villeneuve.
In this story, we meet Gurney Halleck - a minstrel but also a warrior with fighting abilities that are second to none. He could be killing you while he was singing and never miss a note.
While training his pupil Paul Atreides in knife battle, they are both surrounded by protective force fields. This field cannot be penetrated with brute force. But by very slowly moving the blade into the force field, it will actually penetrate it.
"The slow blade penetrates the shield."
This is how boundary issues often play out. When we bump into a boundary, sensible people will stop there. But our lust, desires, neediness, greediness, or even old-school social conditioning that "a woman's no means you need to try harder", can tempt us to take tiny pokes at that boundary with the slow blade.
Let's call these "micro-transgressions" - trying to subtly seep through a clearly set boundary to try and still get what lies on the other side. So that we can get that which we desire. So that we don't feel rejected. So that we still feel like a man.
Still, boundaries are often not walls but rather elastic. It's OK to experiment with it and fuck up sometimes, as long as it's done consensually. But when someone sets a clear boundary or says clearly "no", there should be clarity and you shouldn't meddle with it.
In that case, using the slow knife is a transgression. It puts pressure on the other person AGAIN to set and repeat their boundary, but this time it will be harder for them to spot what's actually going on. It then becomes sneaky.
And I'm guilty as charged. I've done it. I think most guys have done it. And plenty of women as well. Because this transgression taps into our fear of rejection, our feelings of shame, and all the taboos that surround sex. All these topics challenge us - they make us come eye to eye with our shadows. And just a handful of us fully understands & owns that part in ourselves.
So what can you do to get better at respecting and setting those boundaries?
1. Learn about the wheel of consent by Bette Martin. And practice with it. This will grow your awareness of how boundaries actually work and also train you to understand your own intentions better, especially during intimate moments.
2. If a woman clearly tells you "no", don't ninja around her boundary to see if there's some low-hanging fruit that you can pick or find a crack in the wall to sneak in. It's putting pressure on the woman, challenging her to keep upholding those boundaries. This is annoying as f4ck and drains energy.
3. Practice being comfortable with her "no". Thank her for having the guts to tell you "no" and for sharing her boundary with you. Take it "like a man" and you will feel it's even like a superpower. And ironically, this will make you more attractive...
4. Share your fears, desires & insecurities in the moment. This often takes the edge off and opens up a whole other space for you to navigate through together, disabling many transgressional landmines, become they've become instantly visible.
We've got a long way to go. Collectively, we still need to learn how to communicate better about our boundaries as well as how to respect them. I work with female clients a lot on this topic. From that experience, I know how life-changing & empowering it can be for them to learn to wield their NOS but also their YESSES. It actually provides space, peace and deeper intimacy.
Still, at the end of the day, we're all just people. So let's be kind to each other, call each other out, teach & learn and open ourselves up more & more, bit by bit, every single day.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik, Mentor of Men