How To Open Up A Guy
Most men, yours truly included, have a hard time getting to grips with our emotions. Let alone, talk about those emotions. Often we don't know what we're feeling or it's so overwhelming that we've buried it 6 feet deep. Many of us just don't want to talk about it. But if you DO want to talk about it, how do you get him to do so when he doesn't want to?
1 . Do Not Push Him
Pushing a guy to instantly level up to your emotional capacity & state, is the last thing you should do. It's the equivalent of him screaming at you: "YOU SHOULD REALLY CALM DOWN!" when you're high in emotions yourself. It's just another form of invalidating the experience of the other. Pushing him, will only push him away
2 . Understand Men’s Conditioning
You need to understand that all their lives, men have been experiencing invalidation of the handling of their emotions. Pushing them to instantly match your emotional level is again an invalidation of the current handling of their emotions. It's a repetition of the old, familiar pattern; it's like saying: "The way you are handling your emotions, is not OK!" It touches the same old wound in men and again invalidates the effort they're trying to make.
To understand this better, you need to realize that society has written a vastly different operating manual for men when it comes to dealing with their emotions. That's because all their lives, they've been told to move away from, ignore and bury their emotions. From an early age, boys were told to stop crying, to man up, not be a pussy, that emotions are for girls and vulnerability is a weakness. Men should excel and be successful instead of wallowing in their emotions. They've been drilled to shut up, move on and focus on getting shit done instead of actually feeling their shit.
So How Can You Help Guys In A Better Way?
Well, say hello to I.T.A.S.!
Invite
Trust
Assure
Support
Invite
Do not push men, but rather invite them in. Men need to feel the freedom, the spaciousness to show up emotionally. Directly coming eye to eye won't work for many. That's why men for instance open up more easily during a walk. I do this for all my intake sessions with new clients.
Trust
Men need to feel that the feminine trusts their capability & willingness to connect emotionally. They might need time, but they'll get there eventually. No demands, don't push & pull, don't smother & mother, no expectations, but surrender and trust that they will show up. For a man to show up emotionally, is like a woman to show up sexually; you can't just go from 0 to 100.
Assure
Assure men that it's OK to show their emotions. Because we've been told otherwise our entire lives. That message is so deeply ingrained that it takes time & support to let reconditioning take effect. It took me almost 10 years to get where I am now and I feel I've still got a long way to go.
Support
The feminine offers great wisdom when it comes to emotional relating. She's a coach, a guide, a muse for men to venture into this new territory. Offer your service to dig a bit deeper into something, but again: don't force it onto them because you want it. Try to be serving, instead of taking; don't force yourself onto him for your own gratification.
If the feminine can learn to trust men in their capabilities and provide them that space and support to do what scares the shit out of them, which is coming eye to eye, they'll show up in ways you couldn't imagine. Men have ways that are different from yours and as such can bring a fresh new experience to the table. Just remember to not force him or he will shut down and become the stonewalled keep that you've trying to open up. You do not want that. And in his heart, he also doesn't.
I hope you can find some value in this little write-up and apply it to your own life and relationships. If you have some nice additions or ideas, drop me a message.
In service of the betterment of men,
