Do What You Say
Before you read any further, grab a notebook and answer the following 4 questions:
What does commitment mean to you?
How do you feel when people don't do what they say?
Do you do what you say?
How do you feel about yourself when you don't do what you say?
18 months ago, a wise person looked me straight in the eye, raised their index finger, and said to me: "I do what I say!"
Bam! The way that was said, made that this statement always stuck with me. It felt incredibly powerful and even sexy!
Ironically, this was said by a lady to me. By my partner, to be exact, in the first little WhatsApp video chat we ever had. I wanted to see her, but she rejected me. She had to study Dutch, being an Italian ex-pat in Amsterdam. Those words & the way that she said that to me, felt so strong & sexy; it made me want her even more than I already did.
Now, for men and their development of a healthy masculine, "doing what you say" is paramount. It radiates integrity, conscientiousness, commitment, perseverance, reliability, loyalty, responsibility, courageousness, self-discipline, ambitiousness, and thoroughness. Not only towards other people, but also towards oneself. And all of these traits are precursors to wellbeing & happiness as well!
I personally strongly dislike it when people don't do what they say. And when this happens too often, I'll develop a feeling I cannot rely on this person anymore. It's so logical: we extrapolate our expectations based on experiences from the past. Fail on commitments over and over again, why would the next time be any different?
Now let's get real. My feelings of dislike are a classic case of something they call 'projection' in psychology. I strongly dislike this behavior, because I was bad at it myself! And I sometimes still am. But it became painfully clear when my own sons confronted me with it. I was caught smoking a cigarette late at night on our balcony. I had promised them a couple of times already, that I would quit. And I had. But I secretly & moderately started again and tried to hide it from them. After they caught me, my youngest son was crying his eyes out, because the cigarettes would kill me, while my oldest son angrily criticized me: "You always make promises, but you don't live up to them."
Those tears and that remark slammed in my face. Like a freight train. I felt like such a fuck-up, a failure, not even being capable and willing to quit smoking for my kids. This would stop right here & right now! I felt like a loser that didn't have the balls to step up and pull through. I was unreliable, felt ashamed, weak, and was done sabotaging myself. It was time to really starting doing what I said!
I REALLY quit this time. No excuses, exceptions, or cutting corners. I had to admit I was too weak to casually smoke. And somehow, admitting my weakness, made me feel extremely powerful. I found help from my best friend and together we quit cold turkey. I made my commitment to my kids: I would NEVER smoke again. But I also made a more encompassing commitment to myself: "I will do what I say" from now on. Because I finally & deeply felt how my flaky promises impacted my sons. It made them feel unsafe, disappointed, unsure about what was coming.
And now? I haven't smoked for more than a year & will never go back, plus my sons have a reliable father.
Your 21-day challenge
I'd like to CHALLENGE you to ”do what you say” for the upcoming 21 days.
During these 21 days, these are the rules:
Pause a moment BEFORE making a promise and think twice whether it is right for you. “Maybe” or “I don’t know yet” is also a valid answer.
When you have made a promise, live up to it, even if I don't feel like it.
If you forget about a promise, trust the claimer to the promise and follow through.
Live up to your commitments: those to YOURSELF as well as those to OTHERS.
At the end of every day, journal shortly about your results. What went well? What are you proud of? What went wrong? And how could you improve?
Integrity is everything. Live up to your promises. Become conscious about what, when, and why you promise things. And when you promise something to yourself, treat that promise with the same respect as the one you'd make to someone else. So still go to the gym, also when you don't feel like it. Make your word your bond! I guarantee you, you will feel proud of yourself. And others will be proud of you.
Now go do it! Make yourself proud. And if you need support, send me a message!
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik