When A Woman Allows Violation Of Her Boundaries, She Renounces Pleasure & Invites Resentment
Boundaries. It's the #1 topic when I work with female clients. Many find it hard to know their boundaries. It's another thing to maintain them, and above all: verbalise them.
But this is where it becomes a slippery slope: deep down almost always lies this fear of rejection & abandonment. And this fear will make her mute herself, while even starting to please her man so as to feel 'safe' herself. But this sense of safety is false - she's actually undermining her relationship.
How It Unfolds
What in fact happens, is that the woman will start to feel discomfort, sometimes even physical pain, forcing herself to push through. Telling herself it should be joyful, but experiencing quite the opposite. She is suffering, in pain. She is allowing this. And he is the transgressor.
Not saying "no" was that stepping stone in muting herself. Next, it will become harder for her to express what she needs, wants and desires.
Now it's just a small step towards resentment. Resenting herself for not speaking up. But more, resenting him for transgressing her boundaries, hurting her, and not "listening" to her.
All While He’s Clueless
The reality is, that too often, he's clueless about what's actually happening inside of her. But the resentment is there, underneath the surface, simmering, waiting to erupt in ways, that sometimes cannot be undone.
That's why it is so important that we learn to communicate about boundaries. And we, men, need to be aware of how hard it sometimes is for women to guard & express their boundaries, but also their wishes.
So what can you do?
If you're a woman
Then please, share your experience with us. Tell us about your dislikes, boundaries and pains. But also share with us your needs, wants and desires. Tell us, because we, men, don't like to nor tend to read between the lines - we're pretty practical beings. You might be surprised by how well we'll receive your feedback. And rest assured: even though you might think he'll reject you, my clients are always highly surprised at how well men receive their boundaries & desires. It enables us to do better. And we love "doing". Since we also aim to please, tell us what you want and offer us the chance, even the possibility of knowing. If we can trust your yeses, we can also trust your noes.
If you're a man
Then lead your woman into a space where she can feel safe to express what she needs, wants and desires. Learn to attune to what she's embodying and get deeply curious about her experience. Also, get comfortable with asking and receiving feedback. And if your ego gets a hit, absorb it - don't lash out, but stay curious. How can you learn, grow and improve?
Do this as a man, and you will create the space for her to open up, in safety, in support, to be seen, to be met, in full expression of her deepest feminine essence. The place where she desires to be most. Together... with you.
In service of the betterment of men,
Erik, Mentor of Men